:): and this is why we grow up....

:): and this is why we grow up....: I sometimes wonder how many of our acts everyday are bounded by selfishness, and most of the time I ...

and this is why we grow up....

I sometimes wonder how many of our acts everyday are bounded by selfishness, and most of the time I am convinced thinking that as long as I am not guilty of a deed done I need not feel that have been purely selfish in that aspect....!! It’s so funny to think how we sometimes tune our own thoughts according to our own convince....

The day before yesterday by brother who will soon turn 11 in another 2 days was playing in the garage, our garage has become a home for many insects, reptiles, animals and even birds and one such beautiful bird which my mother calls the bulbul (though I doubt that its a bulbul) has built a small nest in the garage. My brother who went to the garage to play came rushing back to tell my mom that the little birds from the nest have fallen down, and there followed his inconsolable sobs for the two little birds which could hardly move. My mother and I rushed to the garage, the little birds shivering and trying to wobble around. I rushed back to my room to take my camera and click a few images of these cute little birds.

I run back to the garage and I see the mother bird on the grill of the garage holding a dead worm in its mouth (probably the lunch for its two little ones that afternoon) and the little birds still shivering and trying to wobble around with all its strength and mite. Few minutes later I see ants lined up all ready to feast on the little birds.

I quickly turned my camera on to take a few shots of the little birds, and while doing so I happen to glance at my brother’s face and he had that innocent pain for the little ones and continued sobbing endlessly. At that moment I went blank, guilty and awe struck at my own selfishness…. I could not figure out who among all of us were selfish. Was it the mother bird which killed a little worm to feed its little ones…?? Or was it the ants which were ready to feast upon the helpless birds…?? Or ME who proudly wanted to document the helpless little birds fall…??  

I could not manage to take the pictures of these little birds while I was hampered by these thoughts, my mom dad and I made arrangements for the little birds. We managed to put cotton in a little basket and set the little birds in them and watched carefully from the corner till the mother bird went to feed them.

I constantly wonder how I change or rather how we all change with time and maturity. When I see my brother exhibit his innocence everyday in little acts that happen I find his innocence so beautiful and pure ….!! The other day my friend and I had been to an artificial dinosaur’s park we strolled around looking at the giant structures which were made move. While we were walking around a bunch of school kids rushed in and they were all screaming with joy wondering how these giant structures moved and they were all happy….!! I looked at my friend and said that “it’s so boring when we get old and gain knowledge”.

Acquiesce….

It is not the time and it never will be the time that holds its weight of all acquiesces that lie in the womb of my soul…. It is and will always be the undoubted ‘deities’ that which assure its authority over every situation and reaction that are played as an obligation to the hierarchy that I belong to….

With more doubts than regrets (often) time clasps and flows with a gentle run of its own prolonged race with the ‘deities’, although not to mention that its not impossible to run against the ‘given’ prolonged race but it’s the acquiesces that give a little doubt and the horror of knowing the ‘told’ purposes that lie evident within the sanctum of my soul….

Waiting to be reached and touched with the wisdom that time has offered, my acquiesce still lie as an untouched virgin…. And I guess it will always remain…. Time offers me (us) the privilege to speculate everything that it offers and in the end it plays the trick of a notorious and a nasty wolf to take away all the offerings in the form of speculation that I (we) make like (a) fool(s)….

It’s more accepted that said when its time to play the acceptance of the role of a ‘deity’…. The horror and the anger lie evident whenever the doubts of my acquiescent lay helpless and unanswered….!!!!! The duties of every thing that has appeared as an obligation with the ‘deity’ has to be justified for a quiet and a peaceful sleep every night…. But, it looks more like the purpose of the ‘deity’ performed that is to be the center of attention through my anger….

It’s hard and in fact very hard to keep pace with the ‘deity’ and the time…. Therefore I wish that my sacred acquiescent lie as an untouched virgin …. A further speculation leads to no-w-here…. Therefore I just have learnt to love the way it gently lies untouched within the womb of my soul….

Its all because of you my 'Deity' called the man....

I was brought in like there was nothing better than a life to live, and here I am to see more than what I call the dreadfully accepted ugliness which life offers at its finger tips to me, like there is nothing more to honor than the things that come my way.... Now I see more than I ever saw before or rather I ever wished to see....

I would never ever point my finger at YOU and say that this was all not fair in the game, but I prefer taking the backseat in your priority list…. It has come to point where I am compelled to say and even think that I have absolutely no regrets, for you alone hold all the responsibilities for helping me raise my head with the dignity of what I am and at the same time realize that its you and you alone who could make me raise my head with dignity….

You, as I speak today with the honor of knowing myself the way you exactly wanted me to see myself…. Am in a void of surrender…. The thing that existed to me in the past was “I” as I see myself now is just in the eyes of you…. It’s not at all a thing to be proud about when I see what I see…. I have begun to realize that it’s not I but its all because of you, my deity called the man….!!

when i was a little girl....

When I was a little girl, (not too long ago, sometimes I fell like I was a little innocent girl just 10min back.... :) ) Everything seemed in a very different way. The terms which I normally use like happy, joy, laughter, life, hope, forgiveness, sorrow, guilt, right, wrong, god (above all) were all perceived in a very vivid and a beautiful way....

Words that appeared nice and beautiful then, now seem to seep and fade and almost disappear within its own frame of existence (not that the definitions of these terms have changed for me, but the way in which I am learning to percieve them are gradually changing....)

As I grow up every minute of the day, situations DEMAND me to speculate every aspect of my existence through my deepest eye.... now the meanings of each term I used then hold a change, perceptions change, assumptions becomes real and suprisingly real becomes an assumption....!!

Eventually life makes a FOOL out of me for I demand a further speculation of what appears before my eyes.... I begin to dissolve myself in-between the CONSIDERED tasks that life holds for me.... not that I have no other option....!! It's just that option's have become like an easy escapist.... So I rather keep reminding myself that it's a phase of speculation or rather a prolonged speculation which has no place for an escapist....!!!!

If I am CHOSEN as a medium to endure this speculation, I rather begin to enjoy the process of it.... Things gradually change.... The terms which earlier brought me a heart ache, now eases me down with pleasure....

No longer do I find myself searching a reason for my existence but I begin to reason out my existence through the way I am chosen to be represented by the play of time....!!!!
:)

my bliss....

I walked, I strolled, I stumbled, I fell, I crippled and I lost myself within the chaos of my hazy life which constantly drove me to a little sacred tresure box....
The years which rolled by were abruptly spread over the carpets of the rusty stories, that which were far beyond choices or changes....
Crippling within this ordeal was worthwhile when I harnessed the harmony and tranquil within the harbour of my heart where I found this little treasure box waiting for me to reach....
Twenty two years to be precise, for the play of time to bring me to embrace this little moment of happiness which lay deep deep within the sanctum of my life....
Was the little treasure box of BLISS....